We had a shocking development tonight. Two children were in bed at 7:30. Two children were asleep in their beds at 7:30. We went sat out on the balcony with coffee and date walnut cake and enjoyed the moment, talked about life, talked about changes coming and going, and took just a few deep breaths. Then we went inside and responsible Papa discovered Pumpkin, screaming in her crib, just out of hearing range. And thus ended our blissful evening...
But it didn't end before a few minutes of very important and thought-provoking discussion. We manage this every once in a while. It's the "who do you want to be when you grow up" talk. This year has been a hard and fascinating journey. I went from working mom to stay-at-home mama. "Mama" seems more appropriate now. I feel more connected to my mama-ness now. More connected to my children, my family, and our needs. I'm learning that this work is not about accomplishing or crossing-things on a list, but about trying (and it is so hard) to be present and flexible.
It's been hard to find my own path on this journey. There are plenty of people who inspire me. Some of them I know personally. Others, I admire at a distance. It's taken time to realize that our family's path will be different than all of theirs and that it will work and that it will be alright. It's taken time for me to realize that my path will be different from the one I dreamed of and that it will work and that it will be alright. So maybe that's me giving me permission to breathe more often.
One thing's for sure - I'm giving myself permission to blog without pictures. I'm terrible at taking them regularly. I'm terrible at uploading them. But I enjoy the writing. I enjoy the community. I enjoy the discussion. It's lovely, even without pictures.