The Count

It's been quite a week so far. We've broken three plates, torn a hole (a big, mama cannot fix this hole) in a pair of pants, had countless melt-downs large and small. But also made a gorgeous pillow (pictures coming), tried and loved apple slice, whipped up another batch of bagels, cleaned a lot more than usual, taken Peanut for his first dentist visit, and finally, finally, finally, started a slow return to BlogLand.

Hi, everyone. I've been thinking about you. Thanks for waiting.

Summer evenings...

We had a shocking development tonight. Two children were in bed at 7:30. Two children were asleep in their beds at 7:30. We went sat out on the balcony with coffee and date walnut cake and enjoyed the moment, talked about life, talked about changes coming and going, and took just a few deep breaths. Then we went inside and responsible Papa discovered Pumpkin, screaming in her crib, just out of hearing range. And thus ended our blissful evening...

But it didn't end before a few minutes of very important and thought-provoking discussion. We manage this every once in a while. It's the "who do you want to be when you grow up" talk. This year has been a hard and fascinating journey. I went from working mom to stay-at-home mama. "Mama" seems more appropriate now. I feel more connected to my mama-ness now. More connected to my children, my family, and our needs. I'm learning that this work is not about accomplishing or crossing-things on a list, but about trying (and it is so hard) to be present and flexible.

It's been hard to find my own path on this journey. There are plenty of people who inspire me. Some of them I know personally. Others, I admire at a distance. It's taken time to realize that our family's path will be different than all of theirs and that it will work and that it will be alright. It's taken time for me to realize that my path will be different from the one I dreamed of and that it will work and that it will be alright. So maybe that's me giving me permission to breathe more often.

One thing's for sure - I'm giving myself permission to blog without pictures. I'm terrible at taking them regularly. I'm terrible at uploading them. But I enjoy the writing. I enjoy the community. I enjoy the discussion. It's lovely, even without pictures.

New Reality

Pumpkin was sitting happily in a swing - for the first time. Peanut was working on version 42 of mega-lego parking garage and miscellaneous cars. I was hand sewing an inside seam on a zipper bag.

Then Pumpkin started to cry. Cue Peanut, "Mama, I have to pee. I have to poop." Luckily, he can manage himself. I tell him to run over to the bathroom (which is about 10 feet away) while I pack up sewing project. Before that's done, Peanut reappears holding up his finger - which now has poop on it. I send him back to the bathroom and tell him not to touch anything and then follow him in to clean up. Some thoughtful mama has put wipes in the drawer with Peanut undies, so we use one of those to clean his hand after we sit him down on the pot. Pumpkin's still crying, so I go get her out of the swing and work on maneuvering her into the wrap to nurse. Before I can finish, Peanut reappears. He's done. I ask him to go back to wait for me. The phone rings. While we're trying to sort out what time "before six" actually means, Peanut comes back out of the bathroom holding up a finger - poop on it again. I hang up the phone. We clean another finger. I clean his behind, noting that there is poop on the seat of the blasted training potty (these things should not require aim) and the edge of his shirt. Wipe toilet. Shirt off.

Now I've got a naked toddler standing in the bathroom, wet wipes in the sink, a poopy shirt on the floor, an infant nursing precariously in a wrap, and a step that's too short for said toddler to reach the sink. Sigh. The shower curtain can push far enough away for us to use the bath tap to wash hands. We wash. We dry. We put on clean underwear, pajama pants, and Peanut runs to his room to get a shirt. Running, always running, never walking. We put on a clean shirt. Peanut done, he returns to garage (re)construction. Wipes go in the wash. Shirt goes in the wash. I breathe.

The next moment, it's quiet enough to write. I might even go empty that potty. Then what?

An Ideal Moment

I could have spent this afternoon doing something on my list. Let's see - there's the Summer blouse muslin, the pile of papers sitting on the desk begging for attention, moving pictures from camera to computer (always a chore), folding the laundry, emptying the dishwasher, putting away toys, or any other thing that seems generally mama-like and responsible. But I didn't. Peanut is off on an outing with his grandparents. I'm on my own with Pumpkin and she's a piece of cake so long as I wear her, so I recharged batteries instead.

Recharging involves a latte (I'm two days late on taking care of this reward), a bookstore trip (in which I buy nothing, of course), writing a lot, reading blogs and other interesting things on-line, and allowing my mind to wander. I have been allowing myself to explore the materials of a more creative life, but would like to help my brain shift gears as well. Some poking around lead to discovering Danny Gregory's Creative License which I now think I might have to read or at least own. I found a couple more amazing blogs to be inspired by: innner pickle and apples with honey. It's also possible that I need to challenge myself to open up and write or rather to open up when I write. It's funny to realize that you're being evasive even when you journal. Or maybe not evasive but certainly vague, ambiguous, general. I'd give you an example, but...

So this has turned into an ideal me moment. I've accomplished nothing but it feels like the world is one, no two shades rosier about now. And that while the sun's setting. Not bad at all.

She sews, too!

This time, I have a set of finished products! They are correspondence folders, inspired (again) by Amanda Soule. They are very late Christmas gifts for two lovely girls who always make me smile. My version has pockets that could work for cards, a notebook, and postage stamps. I thought about adding a pen holder, but figured it would only end up bulkier and bigger than it already is.

The main challenge in making these was trying to do a decent job on the top stitching. I don't think I really managed and find them a bit scraggly looking in that detail. There hasn't been much sewing going on around here and I'm pretty rusty. Practice will make perfect, though, so I'm planning a few more projects. I treated myself to a copy of Heather Ross's Weekend Sewing and have flagged half a dozen projects I'd like to try. What with all the free time I'll have in the next few months, it should be no problem!

Guilt and Healing

This morning, a dear friend took Peanut to playgroup with her son. She's done this a fairly regularly for us and we both enjoy it tremendously. I usually try to be a good PhD candidate and spend the time working on research and writing. Today, I didn't. Instead, I went to my favorite cafe and had a hot cocoa and some reading time. Then I went for a wander in the bookstore. Didn't buy anything, of course. I rarely do. But it was healing. The cold doesn't get to me, but sunless days do. This mama has been in need of some rejuvenation lately and my decadent (what - time to do whatever I want? NO!) morning helped a lot. So I feel a bit bad about not making better use of my time. But I also feel better. Things are actually getting done today and that hasn't been the case for a while.

Now, about making the sun shine again....

Time and lost manuscripts

 

I suddenly have a lot of time on my hands. Well, a lot of time for a working mom who's trying to write a PhD and move to another country. The house is sold. The green card is taken care of. We're starting to make progress on a place in Chicago, and thanks to the ash cloud (or Ash Attack) means my husband's home on a working vacation instead of in Peru. I feel like one of those cartoon characters who runs off the cliff. My legs are still running, but there's nothing left! Luckily, I'm not having a Wile E. Coyote landing.

On the contrary. It turns out I had a missing manuscript! Earlier this week I met with my PhD supervisor and she pronounced a chapter finished. The only catch is it was a chapter I had completely forgotten about, written two years ago. If I remember correctly (and let's say I'm not very reliable right now), it was my first pass at the chapter and I thought it was too descriptive, shelved it, and wrote something else. What a terrific find. Suddenly, I've got even more time on my hands.

Oh - and the picture? Perplexed. And who doesn't enjoy a picture of a baby with a funny face? They're so much more fun than the beautiful smiles!

Writing about Research Writing

I'm on a chapter deadline this month. It's an inevitable situation for a PhD student, and one that's always painful - sometimes more, sometimes less. Writing is one of the hardest things to do becuase it means taking the big chances; putting your ideas out into the world to see what someone else thinks about them. Ideally, those ideas are also well formulated and somewhat original. This month will be filled with moments when I have to admit to myself that reading and other forms of "research" are often tactics for delaying writing. At least once a week, but more likely two or three times, I will wonder if I can do this, what is the point of all, and why. There will be lots of word count checking as this is one of my main motivators.

It's ironic that my daily word count is a motivator for writing. The number of words produced in a day has little if any relationship to progress actually made on a writing project, especially in the early stages. Most of what I write now and in the next week or so will be moved, changed, or deleted. Effective editing is far more important than writing, it turns out. But the word count is something tangible. It's a way to measure work. Strangely appropriate that the humanities girl who writes about management feels a strong urge to measure her progress.

I'm writing about MBA programs, the financial crisis, and an interesting little website called MBAoath.org. Curious?

Correspondence

One of the things I am not good at is keeping up with correspondence. Send me an email - even a business email, and you'll be lucky to hear back in a week. Something about writing those emails is challenging for me, especially if I'm supposed to give information or make an appointment. It's not a one-sided problem. I have the same difficulty writing emails to ask for things. Receive an email from me asking for a favor or information or an appointment and you can be sure I spent a good week or more thinking about who to write to and what to write. Most likely, that email has been appearing on my to-do list for quiet some time. These delays make no sense to me, I cannot explain them, but I'm going to try to do something about them.

So, from today until the end of the year, I am going to try to develop a correspondence habit: devoting time every day to dealing with correspondence promptly and completely.

Wish me luck!

Train Observations

Yesterday on my train ride to work, I saw many interesting people - always do. Two of them, though, inspired the following:

I saw two way so for Dutch men to deal with their mid-life crisis today. One is the young look. Pink G-star t-shirt tucked into your G-star boxer shorts, worn peaking out over the top of your white cargo shorts. The bold fashion statement will direct attention away from your paunchy belly and thining grey hair.

The second look is the artsy look: tight white v-neck t-shirt to show off a little chest hair, cargo pants, and 'spensive white leather shoes worn with black socks. A nice long greying ponytail and reading glasses with red plastic frames help complete the look. Women love being able to see your nipples when you're sixty-plus.

This felt like it was worth a (brief?) return to blogging. Also I've been sewing up a storm but am too overwhelmed with vacation pictures to actually take pictures of any of my own work to post anymore. This much be corrected soon!

Shocking Review

I am saddened to report that the New York Times Book Review and I have are in total disagreement about The Selected Works of T.S. Spivet. The book review I read today, written by Ginia Bellafante, criticizes author Rief Larsen for the very things I admire, namely the way he combined visual and written work. That which I find inspiring, Ms. Bellafante finds tiresome. All I can say is that I'm glad that the book came to me long before the review entered my gmail inbox - and in the end, we have to follow our own feelings about things like books.

As a side note, if you have some time to kill (and don't we all?), the book has a great website!

Have any of you read The Selected Works? What did you think?

Word Toy

That's what I wrote yesterday, brought to you by Wordle. This is about how it's going to read to me today when I start editing, too! What fun.

I can't figure out how to make it bigger just yet - but if you click on it, you'll go to the site.

Writing Panic

My dissertation adviser informed me recently that I'm ready to write a brief theoretical framework for my thesis. In other words, about two pages of text explaining what theories I would like to use, how they are useful for me, and the pros and cons of each. You know, just a sketch so I have something to work with. This surprising and encouraging news. Basically, it means that in my reading and thinking, I've reached a point where it makes sense to stake out a position from which to tackle the rest of my project. Think of it as having figured out the spot where I want to pitch my tent and admire (or in my case, critique) the view for this project.

In reality, thinking about this has sent me into a blind writing panic. The signs of panic are classic. First, there are wildly colorful and superficial notes in my notebook. Deciding to use fun stationary products is a classic writing panic move. Secondly, I started pulling up all the files in which I had written anything at all about these topics. These were read repeatedly and still don't make any sense to me. The third classic move was the research diversion. This is where I start googling the phrase "theoretical framework" and pulling books off the shelf that have to do with writing. One of my favorites is Natalie Goldberg's Writing Down the Bones, but as great as it is, it's not really an academic writing tool. Another one I got out was The Craft of Research Writing. Finally, this morning I tried the ultimate diversion: reading. In this case, it involved getting out two books on a topic I'm not sure about in order to try to find some grounding. This is a great move because it allows me to forget the fact that there are things that I'm actually quite certain about even if I've failed to articulate them fully.

And then I came to my senses.

I put away all the books and the notebooks and the old writing. I opened my "daily writing" file and looked at the clock (11:20am). Then I wrote, telling myself I would write without a break for at least 10 minutes. At 11:52, after writing a full 22 minutes longer than I had planned to write, I stopped in the middle of a thought (this is a good thing). The just-sit-down-and-write method worked. After ranting and raving about my panic and well-refined procrastination techniques, I wrote probably a good third of my theoretical framework. All the things that have been composting (thank you Natalie and Dad for the terminology), finally broke through the surface and, in rough form, are on paper.

So, the solution for writers block? It's never changed. Write.

Ecofont: Use Less Ink!

This week, I've finally had time to start reading the newspaper again. It's exciting. Today, it's the economy section and a few articles about a "Green New Deal" that's been suggested by the UN as a solution to both economic and environmental problems. It sounds like an interesting plan, but a big one that will be executed (or not) by corporations, nations, and so forth. Ecofont, however, is something we individuals can put to use to take care of our personal economic and environmental issues. Funny how those two often go together, eh?

Ecofont is designed to use 20% less ink. Designed by the folks at SPRANQ, a creative communications agency in Utrecht, the holes in the letters reduce the amount of ink used without interfering with legibility. I think it's a grand idea. Best of all, it's free to download. Aside from getting the font (links to directions for installing the font are also available), you get to see the Dutch version of "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." How's that for a groovy bonus?

I'm thinking it would be cool to print, say, a dissertation using Ecofont. I could also use it for all the handouts I make for my students. Or how about an Ecofont Christmas letter? Would you use Ecofont? How?

Great First Lines

I just read this first line of a book review in the New York Times.

Funny is like pornography. You know it when you see it.

I won't forget it. No idea what the rest of the review says. But I know I'll keep reading!

Words Words Words (day 5)

Not only did I manage a whopping 2,711 words today, I baked banana bread for the neighbors in my break. There is something strangely energizing about looming deadlines. My document came in at just over 10,000 words, exactly 30 pages (whew), and it's done for now. There will be much revising, throwing out, despairing, and whatnot later, but for now, I'm celebrating. My version of that will be heading to the public library to get two books I'm totally interested in but would never buy. Perfect. Thanks for your support!

Words Words Words (day 4)

Today's count: 2,155. This one's worth a little victory dance. Thanks for the supportive comments, it really helps counteract the oppressiveness of writing at home. With any luck, tomorrow will be the end of this particular sprint. I'll keep my fingers (and toes) crossed. Do you think it will slow down my typing?

For those of you who are dead bored by reading word counts (I mean seriously, how dull can a blog become?!), I promise a book review when this is over. Reading fiction is a major element of my personal procrastination technique (PPT). February has led to eight new editions to my reading list. The most recent was Zadie Smith's On Beauty. Here's a well written Salon review to whet your appetite. Stay tuned!

Words Words Words (day 3)

Only managed 1,435 for day 3. Quite disappointing, actually. It will be a challenge to stay motivated and working for day 4. Hope it goes better. My total word count is now 5,431.

Words Words Words (day 2)

I managed to knock out a whopping 2,386 words today. This is not my normal rate of writing. Back in my MA thesis days, the goal for a writing day was 1,000 words and most of those were bound for deletion. However, this time around, I decided to work first with a detailed outline. This little document (well, big) is walking me through what I need to do and leaving me some space to interject new ideas as I work along. Most importantly, I never sit down wondering what to write next. The outline shows me where my argument or discussion has to go. Now, whether this will be successful or not is up to the experts, but so far it's feeling good.

Someone asked me yesterday how many words I need... around 10,000 to call this chapter good. So, probably 12,000 and then editing, if there's time! But on the positive side, I'm 20% there with 40% of my days gone. Wait a minute... there might be something faulty with that math...

Words Words Words (day 1)

I've got a deadline this week and am writing up a storm. It's encouraging to keep a word count and share it. So today, mark me down for 1,061. Whew! Let's see what I can do tomorrow!